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Never Wed a Wizard

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Inspired by the Fantasy-Regency books of Patricia Wrede and Caroline Stevermer

My mama always told me, to never wed a wizard
She says she will disown me if I let that be my fate
No matter if he's titled, or richer than a merchant,
The wife of any wizard, is in a sorry state.

It's hard enough, my mother says, to keep a man around,
When his wife can see him, and hear his every sound
But when a fine escort she lacks,
So she can dance at Almack's
Then any wizard worth his weight will simply not be found!

Like all men he will spend his time in drinking at his club
But most drinks only get you drunk, so ladies here's the rub,
A wizards' myriad potions vile
Can change his shape for quite a while
And make your mate a pachyderm, a rodent, or a grub.

No wizard's generosity when he is courting you
Will make him stop, when you are wed, from counting every sou!
His magical ingredients
Will gobble up his every pence
For spells are more entrancing than are any dresses new!

He's caught you're fickle fancy, with some pretty tales and more
But I'll tell you, when he's wed you, that is not what lies in store
His tales will turn to theorems
Dull cantrips and conundrums
For when it come to talking every wizard is a bore

My mama always told me, to never wed a wizard.
They make a lovely brother, and an interesting beau,
But when it comes to husbands, they just aren't worth the bother
My mama wed a wizard, so I guess that she must know!

Copyright © 1995 Michelle Bottorff