Flying Guitar Comedy Bit



For two voices (singer and attendant) and one guitar Mostly to the tune of "But the Bucket Has a Little Hole In It" exceptions noted in the text
Lines to be sung are in bold type


singer [with guitar]:
Well here I am ready to board my flight to OVFF [change to match current venue]

attendant:
Sir(/ma'am), you can't take that guitar on board with you!

singer:
This is my carry on luggage.

attendant:
But the luggage bin's a bit to small,
Darling customer, darling customer
But the luggage bin's a bit to small,
Darling customer, sorry!

singer:
But my friends all said it fit,
Really truly, really truly,
But my friends all said it fit,
Really truly, it does!

attendant:
Why don't you simply check it,
With your luggage, with your luggage
Why don't you simply check it,
With the luggage, sir(/ma'am), please!

singer:
Because...
If it doesn't break then you will lose it,
It has happened, It has happened
If it doesn't break then you will lose it,
It has happened before!

attendant:
Really sir(/ma'am), your guitar will be fine.

singer:
[disbelieving] Is that so? [starts picking out the melody to the song about the airline breaking the guitar]

attendant:
Just sign this little wavier
We'll take care of it, we'll take care of it
Just sign this little wavier
Dear customer, just sign!

singer:
I don't think so.
I'll put it in the seat beside me
No problem, no problem
I'll put it in the seat beside me
No problem, I'll pay

attendant:
But the plane is already full,
Dear customer, dear customer
But the plane is already full
Dear customer, sorry!

singer:
Look, it really will fit in the luggage bins. One of my friends fit two seagulls in one once.

attendant:
I hardly think so. This line has rules about the proper packing of livestock!

singer:
But I really need to have it with me,
I've a concert, I've a concert
But I really need to have it with me,
And I'm sure that it fits!

attendant:
It does not. Besides it's totally against regulations

singer: [glares at attendant, and picks out the first line of dueling banjos]

attendant: [smiles politely, looks away and to the tune of the next line of dueling banjos sings]
Nyah, nyah, nyah [etc.]

singer:
Look, if we try it and it doesn't fit, then I'll check it, okay?

attendant:
Since you insist.

[They mime going into the plane and trying to put the guitar in the luggage bins. It doesn't fit. The singer shakes his head, and the attendant smirks.]

singer:
But my friends said that it would fit
In a seven, sixty seven
But my friends said that it would fit,
I don't know why they would lie

attendant:
This is no seven six seven,
Dear customer, dear customer
We had to change the schedule
So hand it over to me!

[attendant takes the guitar and marches off.]

singer:
Next time I'm going to get a big box, and Styrofoam packaging, and I'm going to send it UPS!

Copyright © 1996 Michelle Bottorff



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