Yes, of course, this contains spoilers for Bram Stoker's book "Dracula".

If you want to read the book first can find cheap (or not-so-cheap) editions at any halfway good bookstore. After all, it is public domain (something you can't say about most things written in the past 70 or so years). <sigh> You can also read the full text on the Web thanks to Project Gutenberg. Here is one mirror, your favorite search engine can probably locate others.

If you've already read Dracula -- or don't intend to (your loss) -- you're ready to proceed directly to...

Renfield and His Master

t.t.t.o. "Cockles & Mussels..."

There's a Bram Stoker story,
Some say it's too gory,
But since it's folklore-y,
It's one you should know.

There's Mina and Lucy, their roles are quite juicy,
There's Dr. Von Helsing, the brains of the show.
That guy in the clinic, who eats (when he's finick-
-y), sparrows, and spiders, and flies, and flies-Oh.

He eats flies and flies-Oh, eats flies and flies-Oh,
In hopes that his lifespan will rise, will rise-Oh.

[And old] Drac' is our villian; he's good at his killin'.
Poor Lucy might be his next victim, Oh, No!.
When the men act as sentries to guard all the entries,
Drac' changes to bat form, and flies, and flies-Oh.

And he flies and flies-Oh, he flies and flies-Oh,
To drink from her neck as she lies, she lies-Oh.

[The men] vow by all sacred, that monster to make dead,
(They'd just as soon battle the devil below.)
They cause such a hassle Drac' flees for his castle:
Back to Transylvania he flies, he flies-Oh.

And he flies and flies-Oh, he flies and flies-Oh,
There finally defeated, he dies, he dies-Oh.

lyrics: Copyright 2002, Rich Brown (?">) Hit number: counter
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